Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Well.. It's almost chemo #2 time. Monday, assuming I am well enough, I will be having my second treatment. I'm fighting off some sort of sickness right now, likely a cold. I'm sniffly, my throat is sore and scratchy, and I have green phlegm. Joy! If I am still sick-ish, or any worse tomorrow I have to call my cancer center. Chemotherapy is incredibly harsh on my immune system, it's a poison that goes through my body destroying everything in its path, good (like my red and white blood cells) and bad (Bob and his friends). It is running my body down and making it more susceptible to all sorts of fun sickness, which is seriously dangerous to me -- with a weakened immune system, any sickness can turn into something worse very quickly. But.... It's also saving my life, so I will roll with the punches on this one.

I wanted to talk about two things in this post, which are intertwined. First, the title of this post.

When my oncologist sat me down during my first visit with him he said a lot of things, but one (which wasn't unexpected, but I still didn't want to hear) was "you're going to lose your hair". He didn't say may. He didn't say some. He just said it, like it was a simple fact. Now, I never particularly thought that I was super attached to my hair... It was just a thing that kept my head warm, and I occasionally tried to do something with. But, suddenly, the idea of not having it made me feel physically ill. Of all of the things to worry about, I chose my hair. I read article after article, and personal accounts of people with Hodgkin's, and ultimately, each one of them lost some or all of their hair depending on how many treatments they had. That night, I was laying in bed worrying about what I would look like bald, when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who cares??? It's hair. It will grow back, right? I'd rather lose my hair than lose my life. So, with that resolve firmly in my mind, I decided that at the first signs of hair loss, I was going to shave my head. I wouldn't wake up to clumps of hair on my pillow each morning, or face handfuls of it while showering.

I had the incredible and amazing fortune of having my best friend, Danielle, fly in from Canada on the 10th. She came to support me, and help me through the beginning of one of the toughest fights of my life. The week flew by with us constantly laughing, talking, and eating our way through some of the best food I've had in years. (Don't judge!). The whole week I battled the nausea, tiredness and dizziness that comes with the chemo, and my scalp started developing sore tender spots. I knew hair loss was on its way. Now, though, I wasn't scared. I had my strongest parts of my support system nearby.... My husband (who is my rock and my strength), my mother in law (who I may as well call mom, because that's how it feels to me), and my best friend.  I also had the rest of my support system (namely each and every one of you that takes the time to follow my journey and offer your love, support, and even a kind word). You all mean so so much to me, so thank you -- before I forget to say it! On the last day before I took Danielle home, we sat down with a set of clippers. Danielle had me shave her head in solidarity, and I've gotta say, she is a brave woman. I wouldn't have let me do it! I made it through (slowly) without cutting her, though. Then, she did mine. We did a video of the beginning of the hair coming off. I expected to feel sad, or nervous, or maybe even some regret. What I didn't expect was that I didn't feel any of those things... Instead I felt incredibly empowered! And, I had a hell of a lot of fun too. Here's the before and after:

The thing is, being bald as a woman is kind of a big deal, right? People definitely look at you - a lot. In the few days since I've done this, I've gotten tons of comments, including "what, did you lose a bet?"

This leads me to my second talking point. Beauty and self-image while going through this process. 

I'm not going to lie. In the month while waiting for diagnosis, I stress-ate like food was my air. I stopped working out, partly because I wasn't allowed to with the procedures I was going through, but mostly because I felt like sitting on my butt and eating and cuddling with my daughter. I gained somewhere around 20 lbs. For someone like me who has struggled with my weight my entire life, and was at the lowest weight I had ever been, this felt kind of like the end of the world. I've really tried to maintain a positive outlook, and I really am lucky, but with everything crashing down in our world at the same time it sort of felt inevitable that this would fall apart too. 

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I sat there feeling incredibly unhappy. It had nothing to do with the bald head or the extra 20 lbs. it had EVERYTHING to do with the things that I started saying to myself. I caught myself picking myself apart and negatively self talking. And, the truth is, I don't deserve that. So, I'm putting this out there, because the truth is -- extra weight and all -- I am beautiful. I'm strong, and 6 months from now, when (G-d willing) this is all over, I will look back at this process and I will not shake my head at the fact that I ate a piece (or 4) of cake, but I will be thankful that I made it through,  and am stronger than ever. 

On that note, I think I will wrap it up for tonight. If you have any questions, feel free to give me a shout. 

As always, sending my love. 

<3